The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #21-22

Elation. Trepidation. Nausea. Liberation. Damnation. All wrapped up in a tight bun that is me after I finished reading the third and fourth installments of Unstoppable. Stephen Colbert himself captures all of these feelings in this singular gesture demonstrated below:

I hardly remember my comic-book reading life before The Astonishing X-Men. My September pick was Brian Michael Bendis' forty-one issues of All-New X-Men and I remember falling in love with that once but the truth is all I could recall more clearly is how I fell out of love with that series. I never expected things to get better since then because I was sorely let down. And then this happens to me. Whedon and his AXM happens to me. And now Bendis' ANXM is nothing but a fading memory next to what Joss Whedon has accomplished here in The Astonishing X-Men. I don't ever remember feeling this intellectually stimulated and emotionally rewarded before. And I feel sick. I feel like ugly-crying.

Tobey Maguire would have been proud

Don't worry. I promise to keep it together until the end of this review. It'll be tough for me but I'll get through it. 

THE ASTONISHING X-MEN ISSUES #21-22 "UNSTOPPABLE" parts 3 & 4

I've been combining reviews for two issues in one post and it's been a great way to discuss certain plot points and character developments back-to-back especially when they are intrinsically inseparable from each other. Instead of wasting time summarizing every scene that happened for both installments, I'll simply talk about the highlights and touch briefly upon the main plot which I still do not care about because the truth for the matter is that PLENTY OF OTHER INTERESTING THINGS are happening around it. And here they are:

KITTY AND PETER

Where do I even start and end with these two kids? The constant push-and-pull between these two lovers is akin to Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair. One issue they're reunited poignantly; the next they're awkward around each other; then lovey-dovey and sexy times commence; then sad realizations occur that puts them in the verge of a break-up; and then they get stuck somewhere and have to deal with each other; then sexy times happen again; then more sad realizations. You know what, just look at their notable interactions in these two issues and judge for yourself how agonizingly sweet and sad everything about their unstable relationship has been:

A couple of scenes later...

EMMA AND SCOTT

While Kitty and Peter are angst-ing away together, Emma is angst-ing by herself, far too selfish to carry the load of her previously believed unrequited feelings for Scott. The two were also stranded together in Breakworld, fighting their way through the shit and scum thrown their way. Here they are with their backs on each other, trying to have a normal, adult conversation about their feelings and whatnot. Emma refuses to apologize and Scott is livid. And yet, for some reason, he admits that he has truly fallen for her. I mean, what the hell?! She broke you down and repressed your mutant powers. She made you face your cowardice and insecurities about being a mutant, an X-Man and a leader. She tore you right at the soul and core of your inadequacies and limitations...and YOU FALL THE FUCK IN LOVE WITH HER, SLIM? It's...it's....BLOODY BRILLIANT, that's what it is! I will always adore the childhood-sweethearts that were Scott and Jean together (especially their OCF counterparts in X-Men: First Class and the All-New X-Men comic books), but Emma and Scott together is proving to be volatile, wickedly sexy and breathtakingly raw and vulnerable together!! Just look at this shit:

And how does Emma react to this confession? She asked for Danger TO KILL HER ON THE SPOT.

WOULD YOU LET YOURSELF BE LOVED, EMMA FROST, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?! Take a look at your Once Upon A Time counterpart who is also named Emma and is just as guarded as you. She certainly stopped bullshitting around her love interest and finally owned up to how she felt about him. Instead of standing there as Scott almost lay dead, asking for some AI to murder you, you should have just grabbed Scott and kissed him out of his damn mind. Like this, you stupid bitch:

FUCKING KISS THE BOY ALREADY LIKE THIS EMMA HAS DONE!

THE RADICAL BREAKWORLDER LADY 

I still don't care about what happens to Breakworld but then this lady shows up and has a different way of looking at the prophecy. I instantly warmed up to her, especially when you compare her to the masculine assholes who all have such raging hard-ons for intergalactic nuclear war that they are mere savages whose extinction will not even make me blink once it happens. That being said, I want her and the rest of her followers to survive when this story ends. The rest of the patriarchal, chauvinistic, war-mongering population of this planet can go ahead and suck it. There is a villain in this story whose name I don't even care enough to learn and properly spell here in my review. It's Kruunun-something-fucker. I don't know, fuck him. Let's read the passages of this benevolent, wise lady instead:

DANGER'S RUDE AWAKENING

So, Danger. How you been, old girl? Still spiteful and bitter. Nope, not really buying it. I knew you weren't so bad. She sided with Kruunnunnn-something-fucker in the earlier pages of issue #21, promising to deliver him the X-Men since she knows how to defeat them. But when faced with the prospect of killing Emma, she couldn't do it. And Emma's reasoning for it was...pretty moving. 

AGENT BRAND'S MERCURIAL MOMENTS

I already said in my previous post than I'm okay with Special Agent Brand now although she does have to work on her manners.

Beast shames her with that remark

That being said, she has a good point in the next panels concerning Lockheed's involvement and how we should treat alien species with dignity and respect. The bitch may be as cold as Emma at times, but she's not heartless. She's just really dedicated with her job that she comes off dismissive and a hardass. In any case, I know there's a softie underneath that gruff. Hopefully, Whedon will show us that in the later installments. For now, I'm cool with Brand. She just needs to act like a human being and less of a severe fix-it control freak.

The rest of the story is about the Breakworld preparing their nuclear forces to annihilate Earth/capture Colossus/overthrow Kruunuun-fucker/whatever the hell it takes to keep this story going so it can provide me with more emotionally meaningful moments among characters. I'm looking forward to Wolverine/Hisako scenes next. That's mostly what happened here in the third and fourth parts of Unstoppable. Whew! I managed to keep it together after all. Did I miss anything...? Oh wait...

...how does issue #22 ends, pray tell? Oh, that's right. I rememeber now:  SCOTT DIES.

I'm not going to start jumping into conclusions again (like that time when I thought Emma stabbed him with the mutant cure, remember that, folks? I was deadly wrong with that). However, I AM GOING TO OVERREACT AS IF IT'S REALLY THE END OF HIS LIFE AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I'MA START UGLY-CRYING AS SOON AS THIS SENTENCE IS OVER!!!

JESUS LOKI TAKE THE WHEEL!!

RECOMMENDED: 9/10

The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #19-20

I find myself in a really weird place right now with this new story arc entitled Unstoppable. A huge part of me doesn't care about the Breakworld and whatever is going to happen to it because I have no emotional investment in this alien planet whatsover. On the other hand, I should care because the mutant who was prophesied to destroy Breakworld is an X-Man and no other than fan-favorite Colossus who had just been resurrected after his noble sacrifice of life during the Legacy Virus storyline. He sacrificed himself so mutants can live virus-free and now he's supposed to destroy an alien race. That in itself is a compelling contrast that I can applaud Whedon for trying to explore right now. Still, after the amazing previous arc concerning Emma Frost being afflicted by a Cassandra Nova brain worm, this one doesn't feel like a worthy follow-up as of yet. But since we're only in two installments in, I want to reserve my judgments once it's completed. So far, I'm fine with how the story is progressing. The pacing is acceptable and nothing gets unexplained for a long time because it's all very straightforward, actually. 

The X-Men were captured by Special Agent Brand and the rest of S.W.O.R.D and are forced/tasked to help them inflitrate Breakworld and hopefully stop the prohecy from happening. If they can't and the Breakworlders prove to be hostile because they have a plan in place to attack Earth, then Colossus should destroy Breakworld. I mean, WHAT? This kind of logic is so frustratingly simple but for some reason is complicated to execute. I don't understand why we're bothering to make peace with the Breakworlders anyway when there's a Plan B where we just let Colossus fulfill his prophecy. I suppose Brand is hoping to appease the Breakworlders and if diplomacy doesn't work and they still want to blow up Earth then Colossus should totally just kill them and their planet. Typing this all out now has made me realized how laughably stupid Brand's plan had been. Whatever. The .GIF below summarizes how I feel about this story arc as a whole so far:

THE ASTONISHING X-MEN ISSUES 19 & 20 "UNSTOPPABLE" parts 1 and 2

Here are the noteworthy parts of the two issues:

PLOT POINTS

Lockheed is the mole for S.W.O.R.D.

There was a time that I was annoyed that Emma Frost is the obvious candidate for mole tasked by the S.W.O.R.D to spy on the X-Men because she seemed to be the only person who may turncoat. When she did turncoat, that left no doubt in mind that she's the mole--but it was revealed that she's in cahoots with Nova and the imaginary new Hellfire Club. That meant she wasn't the mole for S.W.O.R.D because it was pretty clear she wasn't a double agent or anything. So I forgot about the mole situation until this issue reminded me about it by casually revealing that it was Kitty's adorable dragon pet Lockheed. I would have expected anyone to be the mole--not a creature like Lockheed. Agent Brand did say that Lockheed is fiercely loyal and bonded to Kitty so if he is spying for the S.W.O.R.D, it's because it has determined that it's in the best interest of Kitty and the X-Men that said dragon pet has to work with the shady embassy. It was worth saying, though, that Lockheed may have been avoiding Kitty, probably a little ashamed for what it had been doing, even if it's for the right intentions.

The Breakworlders and their fixation on the prophecy

I don't give a shit but I'm putting this in anyway because it's important to the story, being the primary focus. The Breakworlders have been preparing for the day their home planet is laid to waste and the precautions and steps they took to achieve a level of defense against the threat of Colossus are bewildering and very disturbing. I don't really understand some of it so I'm not going to explain it here yet. I have a feeling that we will get a more nuanced look at how they operate by the next installments. I can only trust in Whedon's exceptional skills as a writer to keep me interested in this direction of the plot because by now I'm barely awake while reading parts about the Breakworlders.

Danger and a few SWORDees were captured

In issue #19, the Breakworlders proceed to shoot at the S.W.O.R.D embassy space shuttle and to divert their attention, Agent Brand sent a cockpit called the splinter so the Breakworlders will focus their time on apprehending that vehicle instead. It was a successful ruse, but one of the passengers is the previously sentient AI Danger whom we all know hates X-Men with her every synthetic fiber, and she is about to meet up with a few Breakworlder leaders, possibly to reveal strategic weaknesses that will make it more difficult for the heroes to fight against the Breakworlders. I'm interested to read more of Danger again, and how she's going to contribute to the story. She's a fascinating creation and I wonder if she will ever side with the X-Men or become one of their most formidable foes in the future.

CHARACTER MOMENTS

Special Agent Brand is not so bad

I called her an unrepentant asshole before in Gifted because her questionable role in the mutant cure and the Ord's revenge scheme has been so gratingly evasive. I simply did not trust her at first sight. She seemed cold, distant and a little too professional even when dealing with personal interactions. However, by the time issue #20 rolls around, I can actually see things in her perspective now. She's becoming more of a real person with real values and motivations than some unknowable secondary character who doesn't share her goals with the people she's interacting with. What I know about Agent Brand so far is she has a strong sense of duty and will not apologize for it. The latter part of that could be a personal flaw; that's the characteristic I have seen in her first few appearances in this series. But her sense of duty is something to be commended because it helps her make decisions under the most stressful situations. Mostly her choices are unpopular and that makes her unlikable for outsiders like myself and the X-Men. But now that I have spent an ample amount time to understand what drives her to do the things she had, I can appreciate her backbone. She cares about our planet and its safety from alien predators. It's the reason she's the leader of S.W.O.R.D. She is well-versed with the cultural differences and political tensions between human beings and the alien, and acts accordingly to what is the least damaging of the situations at hand. Right now she's maintaining peaceful accord with the Breakworlders but she also acknowledges that said alien race is ready to nuke Earth if the need arises. If that is the case, she has no problem unleashing the prophetic destruction on them. I know I said it was a laughably stupid plan, but it's only because I don't understand why they even bother. 

I'm know that I'm totally being a racist towards the Breakworlders, sure, I get that. So I'll just shut my racist mouth and let this story unfold by itself. Maybe I might start liking the Breakworlders later on...who knows?

Kitty and Peter Drama

I love this pairing since its conception, but I also admit that collective writers have not made it easy for them to be in a relationship that's healthy and long-lasting. Their mutant powers have an interesting duality and parallelism with each other as well. The basic foundation of their budding relationship this time around in The Astonishing X-Men is the fact that Colossus should have been dead but was resurrected and is suffering PTSD from all the science experiments Ord had put him through. Meanwhile, Kitty lost her father in the Genosha genocide. Both are healing from their respective wounds, and they found solace in each other's presence. Things are getting crazier by the minute for the X-Men so Kitty and Peter decided to stop delaying things between them just because it's inconvenient. Good for them. And then the thing with Cassandra Nova happened where a brain worm Nova inflicted Emma with had compelled said White Queen to put Kitty in the most horrific kind of mind trick where she was led to believe she and Peter were married, had a kid in their three years together, and said kid's life was in danger and she's the only one to save him. That may have all been imaginary but the basis was taken from what Emma knew regarding Kitty and Peter's defining qualities as individuals that may and will always make it impossible for them to stay together. Kitty will always choose the most rebellious options if it's for the good of someone she loves; Peter is driven to choose the most practical option for the good of everyone else. That's how different they are in approaching things, and often this costs them each other in the long run. 

Kitty is learning to deal with those fundamental contrasts and she had to be honest with Peter about it:

I know that they will have to rehash more of their problems while on the mission, considering the two of them got separated from the rest of the X-Men and now have to depend on each other and trust one another if they hope to survive the Breakworld and their stupid prophesy about Colossus destroying their home planet. And I think this is the most character arc I look forward to because I've always cared about Kitty and her problems, and I do adore Colossus and his vulnerable side which I hope to see more of particularly now that he's dealing with a setback concerning his romantic relationship with Kitty. I like these two characters for what they offer in the story so far and the dynamic allure of their relationship with each other. Will they stay together or keep things platonic for good? It's a fair game at this point.

SMALL MOMENTS

Speaking of more pairings for this story arc, we also have Wolverine and Hisako. Logan has always been a big brother to a lot of young ladies who are aspiring X-Men and he's developing the same kind of bond with Hisako that he did with Jubilee in the nineties. I like the idea of him apprenticing someone who is so inexperienced and frightened since this is her first mission. Brash, violent and cynical as Logan may be, he can be shockingly warm and patient with his students (although he'd rather drive his claws through metal than admit that to himself, especially). We also have Scott and Emma who have yet to discuss the status of their relationship and if there is a chance they can repair and restore what has been broken and severed to the point of no return. Of course, I'm rooting a hundred percent for this couple to make it. As strange as the circumstances their romantic affair started in, Emma and Scott actually jive fantastically together (as far as I've read in other titles). Emma shows in TORN that she understands Scott right down to his insecure, tragic core, and she loves him for it anyway. Scott may also be the only to thaw the ice in Emma's predator heart and help her open up just a little. Both people also like to be in control and around each other, they learn to let go of that control in order to be together, and I think that's the most encouraging quality of their relationship.

In a nutshell, the first two installments of Unstoppable have been acceptable. I like a lot of parts in both issues especially the characterizations but the main plot has yet to grow on me. I have no strong feelings of either love or hate. Let's see what else in store next.

RECOMMENDED: 8/10

The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #17-18

This is it, y'all. The moment of truth. We are at the last two installments of TORN. This is my most favorite of the four story arcs written by Joss Whedon for The Astonishing X-Men yet ,and if this is any indication of the quality of work that Whedon can come up with in the last 18 issues so far then I am absolutely trusting of what he has in store for me next for the fifth arc, as I continue my reading and review of this tantalizing and excitingly unpredictable series. "Exciting unpredictable" is the same phrase I would describe issues #17-18 of TORN because I did not see that resolution coming at all! Right after finishing them, I was in such the best of moods because I was fulfilled by something that I had such a strong emotional investment in, and wasn't let down when all was said and done. There are only a handful of comic book stories that I enjoyed from the start to the finish; most of them have bumpy middle acts and problematic endings. But I can honestly say that TORN was everything that I ever wanted and needed in an X-Men comic book story. All the elements aligned brilliantly together and all of the characters were utilized in the completion of its arc. Well done, Mr. Whedon. This calls for a celebration!

THE ASTONISHING X-MEN ISSUES #17-18 "TORN" parts 5 & 6

TORN is essentially a story about Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde, both as individual characters and as rivals. The men are merely players in the background and the true main attraction is the traitorous game that Emma played against her teammates, and how the ever resourceful Kitty might be the only key in undoing all that damage, as long as she is strong enough to fight her way through the deceptions and the illusions. Unfortunately for her, battling a telepath is always going to be too much or anyone's plate especially a formidable one who will stop at nothing until she is reduced into an emotional mess. That's exactly the greatest threat and challenge for Kitty Pryde.

Issue #17 opens with Kitty inside a well-crafted telepathic mirage where she believes that she and Peter are married and has just given birth to a baby boy named Michael. The entire illusion lasted only for a few minutes in the real time but inside Kitty's head, she had three years with her fake life and fake family. The one responsible for such a cruel mind trick is the original White Queen (the seventies-costumed villainess we were first introduced to during Dark Phoenix) while the other Emma was still buried underneath the school thanks to Kitty back in the previous issue. So while Kitty is busy living an illusion she much believes is real and urgent, a pussified and petrified Logan can only watch in horror and helplessness as she gets tricked into thinking that Xavier's most guarded vessel called only as "the manger" is where her fake son Michael is trapped in. Last issue, the Hellfire Club talked about the fact that they can never open the damn thing because it's sealed with all kinds of protective measurements as reinforced by Charles himself, and only Kitty's physics-defying phasing mutant power can penetrate through. In doing so, the White Queen wisely realized that she has to give Kitty a proper motivation to break through it, and what better way to do that than make her think that the life of her imaginary three-year-old son depends on it?

Kitty's state of mind right now

It was chilling and all kinds of infuriating to see such a desperate and vulnerable Kitty phase her way through something incredibly painful, all because of a telepathic mind trick courtesy of this original White Queen whose very appearance in this story has made me incredibly suspicious as to what is really going on with this new Hellfire Club. Suddenly, I'm not sure what to trust. None of this is making sense--until we find out what's inside that goddamn manger anyway. It's the disgusting, filthy larvae of Cassandra Nova who is foremost a parasite who needs a host, and as soon as Kitty was successful in taking out that the larvae from the container, and happily shows it to Peter, claiming it as their son, he is just what-the-fuck-ing in his confused state right now, and the two were easily knocked out by Emma as Cassandra whispers into her mind to get Kitty's unconscious body prepared because she is about to become the host. But before Emma could get the transference ready, Scott--bloody de-powered Scott--rises to the occasion, brandishing a gun, and shooting the fuck out the original White Queen. That's how Issue #17 ends; with this heroic panel of Scott being awesome. He looks so hot without that fucking visor hiding his beautiful brown eyes.

Issue #18 is the concluding piece of this epic story arc, and it delivered enough shocks, thrills and a very unexpected revelation so that by the end of the road, I was immensely satisfied with what I was handed. Sure, I was also screaming and seething but I had a big grin on my face once everything finally started making sense, and even when it made sense, that awful sense of dread still took over and I was all the more worried for the characters and the future storylines that are coming especially now that we have another stage that was set. Before we go to the revelation concerning Emma Frost, it's important for me to discuss the B-story that is soon to be the A-story for the next story arc which is the exhausting countdown to Ord the Dumb-Dumb's confrontation with the future Breakworld destroyer, Colossus, and what an asshole Danger is for siding with him. By midway issue #18, these two unlikely allies make their appearance and things get more topsy-turvy for everyone because they have to deal with these assholes while the X-Men are still clamoring over the attack by Frost and the Hellfire Club.

Me, panicking for everyone else

But with Scott Summers finally taking over, things are filled with hope once more. Whatever crippling telepathic stupor that Emma has put Scott under in the earlier issues, well, the badass was able to shake it off just in time to start shooting sons of bitches. I thought it was weird that he just started gunning for Sebastian Shaw and Negasonic so easily without either of them putting up a fight. He was also very casual about the entire thing as he explains to Kitty who is the real villain in this centerpiece. This is being done all the while he maintains a connection with the young student telepath Blindfold who is busy trying to tame Beast and get him to accessing his higher functions as an intelligent man....using a fucking ball of thread. Because, Beast is a cat now. Meanwhile, this is when Ord and Danger struck with an explosive entrance, causing Logan to get tossed around and get a beer can hit in him the face. The impact of both those things managed to be painful and abrupt enough to release him from Nova's telepathic manipulation and so the Wolverine is back to put concerned individuals into some world of hurt. He starts with Ord and Danger. Beast joins the fight once he puts on a fancy suit and starts using a Magento-inspired gadget he had worked on so he can nail Ord and Danger on the ceiling using magnetism. All is looking well for everyone, and the players now gather to Scott who reveals whatever the hell is happening with Emma and the Hellfire Club.

The great reveal is that THERE IS NO HELLFIRE CLUB. There never was. It was only Cassandra Nova...or at least a splinter of her inside Emma Frost's mind, taking root and slowly growing, driving her to act accordingly to what the cunt has planned which is her escape from that container. Everything had been a grand illusion which Frost was able to sustain enough with Nova's guiding force so intricately imprinted in her psyche, controlling her and influencing her actions. Sebastian, Perfection, Negasonic, even that physical manifestation of Cassandra---they're all false and it was just Emma and her guilt which Cassandra Nova feasted on. Scott and Hank expound:

"It was Emma who stuck Cassandra Nova's consciousness inside that blob in the first place. And Nova does a 'hail mary' into Emma's brain before she fades. One tiny suggestion, too small to notice, but clamped on to Emma's greatest weakness, feeding, growing, creating an alternate reality for Emma."

Really heavy and riveting stuff. Emma Frost is losing her mind to a brain worm courtesy of Cassandra Nova, and her last plea out of it is by recruiting Kitty back in the team as her failsafe. She knows Kitty won't hesitate to take her out and Scott is right to say that Kitty is doing exactly what Emma expected for her to do...which is to kill her. Horrified, disgusted and very vulnerable, Kitty doesn't go through it but it doesn't mean she's ready to forgive Emma for the deception and that cruel mind trick about her imaginary three-year-old son. Who could ever move on from that? I feel for Kitty. But I also feel for Emma. And I am very, very proud of Scott! I just confirmed that Scott was not injected with the mutant cure, so we can all stop freaking out about that. False alarm, my bad. 

The collective reaction of  my readers concerning that

The issue ends by Whedon picking right up on the B-story concerning the Breakworld without a moment's preamble. Not a very smooth transition, I must say. Everyone is still reeling from Emma's betrayal and the Nova brain worm lodged in her consciousness; Kitty is still emotionally wounded from the hurtful mind trick, and Scott is unable to access his powers which means we will get to see more of those beautiful brown eyes. So Agent Brand kidnaps the X-Men, not giving a single fuck of what they have just been through as she readies to throw them in another baptism of fire where chances of survival might be slimmer than expected. That's usually just Wednesdays for X-Men, ain't it?

RECOMMENDED: 10/10

The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #15-16

Previously in Joss Whedon's The Astonishing X-Men:

The New Hellfire Club--consisting of asshole-constant Sebastian Shaw, Motherfucking Face of Genosha Genocide Cassandra Nova, Perfection, and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (for reals, that's her name)--starts their major attacks on the pressure points of the X-Men, by enlisting the help of formerly reformed villain Emma Frost. She succeeds in utterly destroying the man she loves by digging deep into his insecurities, exposing his inadequacies in the most belittling way as possible and then, out of mercy and love, freaking stabs him with the mutant cure, which renders his powers moot. I'm assuming that's what happened, right, because how else are we to explain the fact that we can now see Scott Summer's beautiful (granted, lifeless) brown eyes? He's been cured. 

And EVERYTHING CONTINUES TO FRACTURE HERE IN ISSUES #15-16 OF THE STORY ARC WITH A TITLE THAT ENCAPSULATES EVERYTHING IT IS: TORN. 

Much like the Natalie Imbruglia song of the same name, I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is TORN.

Of the four story arcs released by Whedon including this one so far, TORN is the best. I was a big fan of Dangerous, but no, TORN is the best which is why I will always refer to it here and in the foreseeable future using bold and underlined caplocks, preferably also attaching a .GIF image of the pop-rock song of the same name. In another related news, I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED TO BINGE-WATCH THE MOTION COMICS OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE GODDAMMIT THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE AND DELIGHT THAT TYPING MY INTRODUCTION IN CAPS LOCK CAN CAPTURE HOW RIDICULOUSLY IN LOVE I AM RIGHT NOW WITH JOSS WHEDON'S WRITING FOR THE ASTONISHING X-MEN. Not since his fastidious work with the short-lived masterpiece Firefly did I feel like Joss Whedon is my lord and savior. If you've read this series yourself before I did, then you're my peeps and you're the choir I sing to. If you haven't, then wake the fuck up, sunshine, and pick up a copy somewhere. I don't care. Kill if you must. Sell your kidneys, whatever, as long as you acquire The Astonishing X-Men which you SHOULD BE READING NOW. Nothing is more important to a self-respecting X-Men fan than to read this.

I have two large boxes of McDonald's fries beside me as I write this review. So, here we go, let's talk about TORN some more.

THE ASTONISHING X-MEN ISSUES #15-16 "TORN" parts 3 & 4

• All of Whedon's arcs for AXM have been composed of six issues and TORN is no exception. We are now at the third and fourth installments and, honey, the twists and turns just keep on coming. The previous issue did a helluva job freaking me out because Emma is one stone-cold predator bitch (and a huge part of me still doesn't want to believe she's a bad person) and making me feel so very sad for Scott who is crushed by his self-doubt from the very beginning about almost everything; his leadership; his role in the X-Men; his relationship with Jean; his rivalry with Wolverine who is also Jean's love interest--he's been on the hinges for a very long time and a conversation with Emma brings that to a screeching halt when she 'frees' him by taking away the mutant powers which he had always seen as burden than blessing. With Scott de-powered, Emma rushes to the others, bearing a well-rehearsed single teardrop on her cheek, to inform them about what happened. The men, Logan and Peter, were eager to take care of a broken down Scott who much resembles this part of Imbruglia's lyrics:

• But Kitty--after looking at the well-kept bed where he is found--was immediately suspicious, especially since Emma describes that she and Scott went to bed together that night like usual, and she wakes up to find him already like that. So why the neat bedsheets, Emma? Kitty has never trusted the White Queen so she understandably hangs back behind to investigate. What she finds is Negasonic Teenage Warhead (WHO NAMED THIS BITCH?) whose mutant power is about...dreams and illusions? I don't know exactly what's her deal except that she looks like a horribly dressed goth chick. But she's powerful enough to mess with Kitty's phasing. So Kitty is essentially stuck phasing into solid surfaces so down, down, down she goes to the earth's deepest surfaces, unable to stop herself. Oh, Kitty. Didn't she get strapped into a giant meteorite thing one time as it hurls itself into the Earth? Damn. With Kitty out of commission, her boyfriend Peter is left alone with the still broken Scott. This is when Sebastian Shaw makes his timely appearance, goads Peter into a fight, and the poor thing bites. 
• He forgets that Shaw absorbs kinetic energy so after he gets Peter worked up and all metal-raged, Shaw merely has to touch him and absorb all of that energy, rendering Peter unconscious as fuck as Scott looks on from a gurney somewhere, crying and helpless. Not a heroic way to be, slim. So what about Hank and Logan? The Beast and Wolverine's combined brains and brawn should be able to tip the scales better in their favor, right? Except, Cassandra Nova got to them. And Cassandra, as I stressed in my previous review, is a filthy cunt. Do you guys remember that sidestory concerning Beast's fear of devolving into an actual beast, and that we got a glimpse of it in issue #12 when he was chewing off Danger? Well...Nova takes credit for that. She basically shuts off Hank's higher human functions so the beast takes over, turning him into a mindless killing monster. And Wolverine, if you can believe it, gets the worse half of that manipulation because Nova turns him into a frightened, quivering pansy who gets chased around by Beast. It's the most emasculating thing you could ever do to a badass like Logan. I'm simultaneously appalled and impressed by Nova here which makes me want to run my entire body in hot water because actually admiring her even just a little bit makes my soul dirty. Also, this image of Wolverine looking like a sissy bitch:

• And so the Hellfire Club gathers around in the common room to celebrate their success. Everything is going according to plan. "Summers is a zombie. Pryde's a ghost. Rasputin is a victim of his own rage," Shaw proudly claims. Nova adds, "My two were simplicity itself. A beast who thought he was a man; and a frightened little boy who fancied himself a beast."
• Meanwhile, in outer space, Danger approaches the imprisoned Ord the Dumb-Dumb and proposes an alliance. Special Agents Brand and Maria Hill have a serious discussion on ethics and alien diplomatic immunity, and then one of Brand's helpers figured out the mutant who will be responsible in destroying the Breakworld in the prophesied future. I don't really care but by the next issue, this seemingly uninteresting B-story will come back and bite everyone in the ass including mine so stay tuned.
• Kitty remains undeterred, however: "Being an X-Man means a lot to me even though it doesn't always agree with me." She focuses on the fact that Peter is in danger and she's the only one who is left to kick Emma's ass. Once doing that, she got herself to stop phasing. And she's ready to face the White Queen once and for all.
• Issue #16 opens with Ord the Dumb-Dumb escaping S.W.O.R.D space headquarters. He has just learned the identity of the mutant who will destroy his planet in the future and needs to kill said mutant ASAP. Brand is deeply concerned about these proceedings, obviously. Back on Earth, Logan continues to be a pansy and Beast still wants to eat him. Young students Hisako and Blindfold try to help out. Kitty finally arrives back in the school just in time to see Logan be a wimp. The Hellfire Club, on the other hand, is about to get access into Xavier's 'manger' but even Emma's diamond-formed body can't break into it...which is where Kitty comes in. But Negasonic Teenage Warhead (whose name is a mouthful to this day) has already casts her down the earth's core. Luckily enough for them, Kitty is tougher than she looks, and she's right there to punch Emma in her goddamn pretty face which she does and I know for a fact that she's been dying to do that ever since meeting her for the first time.
• Thanks to the intel from scaredy Logan, Hisako and Blindfold, she quickly catches on whatever the hell is going down with the Hellfire Club. After she makes sure her beloved Peter is safe (and Scott is still a useless body on a gurney), she goes to confront the rest of the bad guys (but only after burying Emma somewhere under the school so the traitorous bitch could think about what she had done). The enigmatic hooded Perfection telepathically communicates with Emma that she's going to be fine down there, and that Perf is going to finish the job and handle Kitty herself. I've been dying to know who Perfection really is under that hood and when it was finally revealed, I was...speechless because it's no other than:

• Kitty had the perfect reaction, though, which I share a hundred-percent:

• The issue ends with Special Agent Brand and the rest of S.W.O.R.D hunting down Ord the Dumb-Dumb who is headed back to Earth (with Danger, his new ally). Ord the Dumb-Dumb is beyond reasoning now which isn't really new because he's always been a narrow-minded, insipid fucker who should have died before. But this is even better because, as it turns out, the identity of the Breakworld destroyer is no other than...COLOSSUS! Brand perfectly phrased it with the question: "What would you do if the one mutant destined to destroy your entire planet is the one you brought back to life?" BOOM! If y'all can remember, Peter was supposed to be dead because of his sacrifice to get rid of the Legacy Virus. But Ord the Dumb-Dumb resurrected him just so he can experiment on him for the mutant cure that Dr. Kavita Rao was working on. BUT THEN I suppose by torturing Colossus in all those months he kept him captive, Peter began to really hate him; hate him enough to destroy his planet. Look, Peter is a good kid, so I know if he does get around to destroying a planet, he must be under some kind of spell or manipulation (maybe Nova was controlling him? We all know that cunt loves genocides), but how awesome would it be that it was Ord the Dumb-Dumb who doomed his race in the first place? HAHA! That means that if he wasn't such a piece of shit then Breakworld never would have been destroyed. Look, I hate Ord. I just do. And if Breakworld gets obliterated then just let it happen. Having your planet named with the word "break" in it alone is already asking people to target it for annihilation so really, what's the big deal?
• In any case, we are now down to two remaining installments for TORN and I am just...ASDFGHJKL!!!!!

RECOMMENDED: 10/10

The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #13-14

When I first started reviewing this series a week ago, the first two issues only got a 7 out 10 ratings from me because my reasoning was (and I directly quote from my review of issue #1): "I'm going to rate this issue in pragmatic terms. I don't want to start with a high rating already since this is just the introduction and as evenly paced as everything was including the reveal at the end, and as amusing were the interactions among our heroes, I still want to start my review of this series by saving for my high ratings which is why I'm giving this one a seven out of ten because it was better than I expected but not quite there yet." And I WAS FUCKING RIGHT TO DO THAT. 

It's the greatest reward of delayed gratification one ever received because now my perfect tens actually mean something. Can the same reasoning be equated with saving yourself for marriage? In that case, I missed out. The second story arc Dangerous was EPIC enough, filled with sparkling dialogue, thrilling action scenes and emotionally meaningful conversations among our heroes. This one surpasses the level of epicness already firmly established in that previous arc by further enhancing the aforementioned awesome qualities of Dangerous. I don't know what else to tell you except that I always read my comics before I go to sleep (4 AM which is as late as I could go), and after reading issues #13-15 (I usually limit my readings to two issues but because this is SO DAMN DELICIOUS I cheated and read another one), all I can say is:

THE ASTONISHING X-MEN ISSUES #13-14 "TORN" parts 1 & 2

I'm going to keep this straight-to-the-point and what better way to accomplish that than using bullet points?

• Last issue, after the X-Men sorta but not really got rid of Danger and the Genocide Sentinel she gave sentience too, Emma Frost was revealed not to be Special Agent Brand's mole in the Xavier School after all but the Hellfire Club's. Yes, that goddamn club of white dude-assholes back in the Dark Phoenix story arc. However, like all things in modern society now, even the Hellfire Club got an upgrade. Its members is now composed of Sebastian Shaw (the asshole constant) the hooded creature named Perfection, Negasonic Teenage Warhead (srsly), and Cassandra Nova. MOTHERFUCKING. FACE OF GENOSHA GENOCIDE. CASSANDRA. NOVA. Charles Xavier's "twin sister"...wait, that's a gross oversimplification that's not even accurate, I'm sorry. Let's try again. She's beautifully described by Grant Morrison (who is, at this point, unsurprisingly credited for coming up with the weirdest and fucked up characters/stories in comics) as "a mummudrai" or "a parasitic life form born bodiless on the astral plane. The mummudrai that became Cassandra became telepathically entangled with the future Charles Xavier, who possesses vast mutant telepathic powers. This granted Cassandra some psionic powers herself, including the ability to exit the womb and create a body." Basically, she is the filthiest cunt you will ever encounter in comics, save perhaps DC's trash character, Joker's Daughter.

• So Cassandra Nova has a serious talk with Emma about her important role in the catastrophe that's about to hit the X-Men and even rewarded her with a second mutation which is the ability to turn into diamonds. She knew Emma will not betray them because she deemed Emma a 'predator' who will always look after her best interest. Right now, it's not getting caught in the losing team because Nova and the other members have a solid plan to bring down the X-Men and if she hopes to survive, Emma needs to participate. What was so great about the appearance of Nova is how it all ties up with the previous two arcs about Danger and the mutant cure which will be tackled by issue #14 later on. In the meantime, Emma follows through the game plan and targets her beloved Scott. And I'm not being sarcastic when I said "beloved". Perfection, one of the HC members, confronted Emma seconds before she was about to do serious damage on Scott. "You really do love him," Perfection states. Emma turns to it (him? her? who knows?) and with a deadpan face that underlies whatever agony she might be simply telepathically shutting off, she replies:

• Meanwhile, Logan had a heartwarming moment with the children after the seriously traumatic internal attack that the Danger Room had inflicted on them the last time. And by 'heartwarming' I meant Logan expressively conveyed to the kids that he couldn't give a shit whether they're grieving or not at this momnet about the loss of a classmate and friend (Wing), all he cares about is getting them ready for combat. With a non-functioning Danger Room, Logan decides to be creative and has the children fight him in the dark. It goes about as well as one would hope when Logan is placed in a room with children. He gives their asses some beating and would have stabbed Hisako for real if it wasn't for her very handy protective body armor (that happened to be passed on in her family's gene pool). Scott would have taken over the training himself but he was too busy hanging out with Hank who was trying to figure out how to build a new Danger Room. The truth is, Scott has been avoiding Emma because he feels there is something wrong with her right now. Oh, boy, he couldn't be more right about that.

• The same thing cannot be said for Kitty and Peter who are eager to spend every day with each other because you never know when the next storm hits after all. Kitty has been having nightmares about her dead father who has been slain in Genosha so that sort of put a brakes on things. Peter was recently freed from capture and freakish experiments so he gets her deal. However, the heart wants what it wants and they can't keep delaying their relationship just because annoying nuisances like torture, suffering and death get in the way. So fuck it. They totes start making out happily and it made me very giddy for them! THEY ALSO HAD SEX BUT THEN KITTY ACCIDENTALLY PHASES INTO THE LIVING ROOM BELOW AND IT WAS SO FUNNY AND SWEET AND SHE HAD TO RUN BACK TO THE ROOM AND THEN THEY START OVER AGAIN.

• The issue ends with Emma walking inside the room she shares with Scott, urging him to go to bed but Scott lamely makes excuses about doing their taxes right now (HAHAHA). Emma, undeterred, transforms herself into Jean Grey as the Phoenix which definitely made me speechless as I stared at the page; my mind processing things, mostly the possibility for some kinky shit to happen in Scott and Emma's bedroom next issue. But of course that doesn't happen because Scott is vanilla and his reaction is of course going to be anger. With that said, this issue did a fine job establishing the set pieces that will have great roles to play in the next installment, much like what Whedon has been doing since Dangerous started.

• Now let's talk about issue #14 where ALL THINGS FALL APART. Emma and Scott have the MOST PAINFUL AND ENLIGHTENING AND SCARRING CONVERSATION A COUPLE COULD EVER HAD. I asked for something Emma-centric in my last post and hopefully something that touches upon her relationship with Scott which I've always been intrigued by. And Whedon granted my wish with this issue and it was ALL KINDS OF GLORIOUS AND ANGSTY. Emma knew Scott through and through his insecure core and she did not hesitate to expose all the dark secrets he even keeps from himself. Unearthing these things made me want to hug Scott so tightly and then pull back and give him a well-deserved slap! Then hug him and make him promise he will never lose his way (WHICH HE DID AS WE HAVE SEEN IN MARVEL NOW!). Emma just destroys him, slices into his insides like a precision instrument, starting from the beginning when Xavier chose him to lead: "Jean was his favorite. He sensed her potential, even then. He's always been partial to psychics. Hank is a genius and terribly good with people. Warren looked like a god. And Xavier picks you to lead. Why? Because you have nothing else". And she's just warming up with that one!

• "You've seen leaders, Scott. They make themselves known. They can't help it. The one time you had to defend your title, you lost it to Storm. Potentially the most powerful team on earth and Xavier gave you the top position out of pity because he thought you'd washed out if he didn't give you a little boost. But it's so hard to hold onto something you know you don't deserve. The X-Men never cohered, never won the world's approbation. And Jean, god, she wouldn't stop dying on you. You have no control....You couldn't control her. She was out of your league. You held her and wished you could be everything she wished you were...which is Logan. Don't deny it. You've imagined being him, the poster child for mutant cool...the love of her life."

• "Control what, dear? Your power? It's your great setback, isn't it? The source of all your extraordinary self-doubt. Every great leader revels in their power, however judiciously he uses it. But yours...you fear it. You resent it. You've been unable to control it. You've been living in constant, rigid terror of harming someone with it. It's hard to live with...That lack of control, that fear of abandon. It was always in you.The only way to be sure you would always, always hold yourself together was to make it impossible not to." OH MY GOD EMMA STOP TALKING STOP TEARING HIM DOWN!! DON'T YOU LOVE HIM??!! And then she shows him a memory of Scott as a young boy about to get an operation to surgically remove his eyes. She promises it's going to be okay, that he can finally let go now. With her coercion, that's exactly what he did.

• DID SHE JUST FUCKING INJECT HIM WITH THE MUTANT CURE?!!! That's exactly what happened here. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

RECOMMENDED: 10/10