Friday, March 13, 2015

X-Men: Excalibur III by Chris Claremont issue #6

In the second installment of Food Fight, Charles Xavier is still TOPLESS AND WEARING MAGENTA/PINK BOXERS.

Yes, I am starting my review with that because it's so DISTRACTING. Entitled Who's Better, Who's Best, this issue has made me rather ticklish in all the right places. It's humorous and action-packed enough to sustain my interest. There are dramatic moments in between too, which is cheesetastic-classic Claremont in style.

So these bunch of troll-thieves, led by two mutants whose names and powers I don't even want to double-check as I type this, held the honeymoon husbands Charles and Erik captive, including the ladies Callisto, Wicked and Karima. Meanwhile, both Shola the Genoshan combat mutant, and Freakshow are on the run outside as they are being chased by more ugly trolls. I really enjoyed those panels with Freakshow transforming into a bloody dragon. That was so random and awesome to look at! Also, I liked those moments with the hostages when the pirate-mutants (yeah, I'm calling those antagonists with that collective term to save time because who really gives a shit about them) put on some sort of neck-inhibitor that makes them succumb to a prison of 'happy thoughts'. We get Erik hallucinating his wife Magda and late daughter Anya; Charles dancing with Moira; Callisto with some faceless dead boyfriend; and Wicked being put to bed by an unknown parent figure. Shola was able to resist just in time when Unus the Untouchable JERKWARD arrived.

It turns out that said jerkwad was the one who orchestrated this bullshit. Luckily, Shola tries to beat up his ass and the two reach a standoff because Unus is untouchable given he has his own personal force-field (otherwise known as the coward's superpower) and Shola just won't let up trying to crush him. Because of that delightful commotion, the hostages were able to make their escape. Karima was unfortunately taken to another location and they don't know how to find her yet so Charles and Callisto decide to stay together while Erik carries Wicked with him. Actually, Callisto was the one who INSISTED that she and "Chucky" pair up, and the fucking amazon of a woman seemed to have developed a penchant for giving the professor piggy backs which would be endearing if it wasn't for the fact that she KEEPS STEALING CHARLES AWAY FROM ERIK.

In an unrelated note, everyone still hasn't figured out that Erik is Magneto. Basically, he's now officially masquerading as MICHAEL, Charles' cousin. Jesus Loki fuck, how awesome is the fact that his fake name is MICHAEL? As in..

All twisted steel and sex appeal---
Mr. Fassy Hot-Pants and Sex-on-a-Stick Michael Fassbender!

who, admittedly, is kind of a dork during interviews

Still, look at this sexy fuck and all the sinful things he can do with THOSE TEETH.

I wish that was my thong between his teeth or something..

ANYWAY, painfully-orgasmic-in-shape-of-a-man distractions aside, the issue was really great because of the unexpected moments that I never saw coming at all, especially the last part with the appearance of a certain character who I didn't recognize was the dark version of an X-Men at first. Should I now reveal who it was? NAH. I'll give it up next week for my issue #37 review instead just to keep things interesting.

For now, I'm ending this review with this hilarious exchange between the husbands:


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