Monday, October 19, 2015

Giant-Size Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon

"Everything is so fragile. There's so much conflict, so much pain. You keep waiting for the dust to settle and then you realize, this is it: the dust is your life going on. If happy comes along, that weird, unbearable delight that's actual happy--I think you have to grab it while you can. You take what you get 'cause it's here and then GONE."

WHAT. THE. FUCK. I'm sorry, let me be clearer: I actually meant: WHATTTTT??? THE FUCCCCCKKKK??!!

The Breakworld story arc Unstoppable was my least favorite of all of Joss Whedon's arcs for The Astonishing X-Men and his run officially ends with this Giant-Size issue which mercifully concluded the mixed bag that Unstoppable anyway. I have enjoyed the significant character moments among the pairs of Kitty and Peter, Emma and Scott, Agent Brand and Hank, and Logan and Hisako. Meanwhile, some story about an alien planet is happening in the background of these great character moments, and when all is said and done, I still couldn't give a crap. But now I do, but only because I was upset about all the revelations and THAT GODDAMN RESOLUTION that poignantly closes Whedon's run but doesn't change the fact that it was WILDLY UNFAIR and VICIOUSLY HURTFUL and every other combination of adjectives-used-as-adverb plus adjective which is usually my linguistic style when it comes to describing things when I write reviews.

First of all: AGHANE IS THE BAD GUY AFTER ALL AND ORD IS THE UNSUNG HERO. What? I spent so much time thinking Aghane was going to put things right because she interpreted the prophecy in terms of a spiritual and physical destruction of their home planet in order to make way for a more compassionate and community-based kind of civilization as oppose to the barbaric and pathethically patriarchal kind that the Breakworlders has lived under for so long. Well, no more. We have Colossus now to rip out the planet's power core and change things for the best. Except that Aghane became the villain just pages before she was killed by Ord. Ord the fucking Dumb-Dumb whom I wanted to die since his first appearance. Apparently, Ord was doing the right thing and killin Aghane has made him a hero. Wait, what? Was I not paying that much attention to the way this story was going since the beginning? I thought I got it all figured out and it turns out I'm an idiot because I've been rooting for the bad guy all along (and her sudden shift to villainy doesn't make sense to me!) and the bad guy whom I wanted to die turned out to be good and Colossus even held him in his arms as he took his last breath. HUH? Wasn't Colossus just pounding on this guy several issues ago? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Also, Brand is a half-alien progeny and has a thing for Hank? SINCE WHEN? Will the next writer even explore this throwaway development in the next run?

The worst thing that could ever happen to a character happened to Kitty and here is how I reacted

But all these things are forgivably minuscule compared to what happened to Kitty Pryde. Last issue (#24), we see Kitty phasing inside the missile that the Breakworld has aimed at our Earth in case Colossus goes through the plan to rip out the power core. She can't phase out because it's no missile. Hell fucking no. It's a GODDAMN BIG-ASS BULLET. And it's hurling for Earth. So Marvel's Mightiest Heroes gather to try and solve this problem but the bullet has some hypnotic ability and they were all under a trance as it gets closer and closer to the world. Emma was the last person Kitty ever talks to as she summons all her strength, fortitude, courage and badass awesomeness to phase, turning the giant bullet in phase mode as well so as soon as it hit a major city, the physical property of it just went through the buildings, becoming transparent and shit. So Kitty is forever entombed there, unable to phase out because doing so would trigger the bullet and it would explode and kill everyone. Nobody knows how to fix it, not even the combined geniuses of Reed Richards, Tony Stark, Hank McCoy, etc. And the worst part of it all is that Peter never got to say goodbye. Emma was the only one who talked to Kitty. I mean, Emma can fucking link everyone's minds together, right? Why didn't she do that? At least Peter would have talked to Kitty one last time, and it wouldn't have been so unfair for everyone especially to Kitty WHO IS JUST TRAPPED INSIDE A BULLET FOR GOOD! Where the fuck is Magneto? That bastard is still alive somewhere. He should help disarm the bullet and set Kitty free, dammit! I hate this! And I don't understand why no one is angry! Logan wasn't even that affected. He was just all sad. I mean, it's the FUCKING WOLVERINE! He loved Kitty like a sister and HE WOULD HAVE CLAWED SOMEONE BY NOW! Why is Peter so accepting of this? Has he lost it? Maybe he has gone insane to the point that he can't react properly anymore or even grieve Kitty. He looked so lost in his last panel. Poor guy.

BUT GODDAMMIT I AM SEETHING WITH FURY RIGHT NOW. I wish I have never read this issue. Sure, it was all poignant and melancholic how Kitty sacrificed herself for everyone. She went the extra mile to save countless of lives even if it meant forfeiting her own.


Then again, I shouldn't expect less from Joss Whedon who has a habit of KILLING OFF FAN-FAVORITE CHARACTERS in his works. Goddamn you, Whedon! At least you killed the other fan-faves but you doomed Kitty to a fate worse than death! She's still alive and has to keep phasing that bullet FOR AN INDETERMINABLE LENGTH OF TIME, I assume. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SHITE?!!

Please take note, Mr. Whedon!

I still consider the rest of the twenty-four issues gold but this one? KITTY DESERVED BETTER!


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