Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon #8


"You're late, Miss Pryde."
"Sorry, Miss Frost, I was just busy trying to make sure I had put on all of my clothes UNLIKE A CERTAIN REFORMED VILLAINESS CURRENTLY SHACKING UP WITH SCOTT."

"Your wife's dead, bub, and you've moved on to her blonde version. Need I say how fucked is that?"
*shoots laser beams from eyes*

"Time to make nice with the public, eh, Summers?"
"No, Logan. We need to do more than that. We need to astonish them."

"Miss, Pryde, are you fucking retarded?"

"I'm Ord the Dumb-Dumb! And I will help this human doctor come up with a mutant cure so mutants will never have mutations and one of them won't destroy my planet in the future. Me so clever, har-har-har."

"I'm Hank and I'm tempted to take the cure for myself because I hate looking like a blue furball and getting worse from that."

"I, COLOSSUS AM  ALIVE! Time to beat up Ord the Dumb-Dumb with my rage!"
"Peter, oh my god! Are we getting back together?"

"There is a strong correlation between the mutant gene and the gay gene and we have to mention it here because metaphors!"
"I'm Dr. Kavita Rao and I think the mutant gene is more of a threat than the gay gene. So I must cure it!"

"I'm Emma Frost and I'm suddenly talking to some mysterious figure hidden in the shadows. I may or may not be a turncloak. And if I was, no one will be surprised."

"I'm Wolverine and I really love beer."

"The X-Men saves the city from Godzilla rip-off? So what? Who would even believe that especially when nobody cares about the X-Men cleaning up the city anyway. We'd rather see Spider-Man french a Jonas brother!"


We're eight issues into Whedon's epic series, and everything has been a dandy adventure so far. A well-meaning doctor creates a cure for mutation because she thinks a whole race is only a genetic defect; a dumbass alien tries to save his planet from destruction by dooming an entire different race from extinction; humans especially the media suck all kinds of balls because they refuse to acknowledge that the X-Men are protectors and not enemies; and Emma Frost may or may not be a mole for the S.W.O.R.D. 

Good times, good times.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the coast of Genosha, Professor X elopes with his long-time secret lover Magneto whom everyone else believed was dead. They talk about their tragic pasts in the middle of a philosophical discussion during early dinner at the balcony while the sun goes down. It was as romantic and beautiful as you are picturing right now. But that's a different series altogether, Here in The Astonishing X-Men, no one is getting reunited with their dead lovers (sorry, Kitty, Peter is PTSD-ing that he has no time to rekindle what you have), and everything else is just about to get more clusterfuckitty because this is Joss Whedon writing an X-Men story, and X-Men stories by rule are always about clusterfucks and soap operas.

So, before we begin, may I ask if everyone is wearing their MAGNETO WAS RIGHT shirt? Ready for some nail-biting suspense? Good. Then let's start discussing the second installment for the story arc ominously entitled Dangerous.

After a rather expectedly unsuccessful first attempt for a more positive PR campaign for our misunderstood heroes, Scott delivered some rude awakening when he explained to everyone that the media will always portray mutants as menace but perhaps there is hope to overcome that negative label. But life just got a little more topsy-turvy when a psychic attack was launched and every telepath in the Xavier School was knocked unconscious. Nobody knows why and what is up but they try to keep everything together especially Scott whose decision-making is once again tested. Kitty goes to protect the students and everyone else gathers the psychics to one convenient location. But things in the Xavier School are just about to start from KINDDA BAD and go to BIZARRELY WORSE..

And by Bizarrely Worse, I mean a bible-reciting Sentinel who appeared out of the ranch near their school.

Elsewhere, Certified Unrepentant Asshole (or CUA) Agent Brand has a mole in the Xavier School all this time. Jesus fuck, if it turned out to be Emma Frost herself then that would be too goddamn obvious for shit so I hope it's not her who's been spying/

Bizarrely Worse becomes Well Of Course This is the Worst when all communications were cut-off.

Kitty managed to gather the student population and they all head inside the Danger Room which should be the safest place in the school but it also turned out to be where the body of the recently deceased Wing has been cooped up in. Did I say earlier that the Worst has already happened? I meant, Nope This is Definitely the Worst: Wing being animated by something (clue: it's sentient and ready to fuck everyone up), spooking his classmates and making Kitty's job as the only qualified adult there more strenuous than she could ever imagine.

The men spitballed what could have happened and what caused this domino as fuck-ups to fall down. The Danger Room can't be accessed, and Wolverine is bothered by the shit the Sentinel has been spewing out earlier before it was unceremoniously blown off. The litany is very creepy and definitely gave me a clue as to what is happening. Shit is flying in high velocity everywhere now.

But the Crowning Moment of Cluterfuckitty strikes when Emma, who finally woke up from her momentary slumber via psychic hostile takeover, revealed that she knows who the real culprit is and it's not at all an enemy from the outside, pulling extended strings from its location, but rather a very pissed-off, enslaved AI operating within the school to seal their doom. It's no other than the Danger Room itself which, only issues ago, was so harmless with its Hawaiian-themed screensavers and pink wallpapers and cuddly stuffed toys backdrop

And now? Well...

Meanwhile, back in Genosha, Charles and Erik's honeymoon progresses...


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