Previously in All-New X-Men:Beast: I'ma die this time so might as well time-travel because I'm feeling nostalgic and Scott's a dick so I'ma punish him.
Original X-Men: WHUUTT?! A MUTANT GENOCIDE!? Then we must haste to the future!
Teen Scott: What do you mean I'm the fascist leader of a mutant revolution?
Teen Bobby: Scott can't be the bad guy. He's too vanillla for that shit-- *sees future self and screams*
Teen Jean: HOLY SHIT I'M A PSYCHIC NOW!
Wolverine: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DID YOU DO, McCOY??!! *gets knocked out by newly telepathic teen Jean*
Kitty: I'm dating present-Bobby but past-Bobby annoys me so much! Also, I wanna honor Xavier somehow so I'll take full responsibility of the teens and hope for the best.
*then things get ultimately worse*
[Original X-Men meets Present-day Scott with Magneto and Magik while recruiting. PD Scott's hilarious inner monologue ensued. Teen Jean zapped him angrily via telepathy. PD Scott and Mags bounced out.]
L A T E R ...
Teen Jean: Let me get inside your mind to help you!
Beast: K. Btw, wanna see your future?
Teen Jean: K! *mind explodes upon seeing adult self's experiences and deaths*
L A T E R ...
Wolverine: Fuck off, Hank. Now time to go home, brats.
Teen Jean: HELL NO. i saw some shit! So now we're staying and we're gonna make some changes.
Teen Scott, Hank and Bobby: K!
Teen Warren: NOT K. I wanna leave.
L A T E R ...
Teen Jean: I can hear everyone's thoughts!!! Make it stop!!!
Teen Bobby: *one comedic punchline after another*
Teen Warren: Why won't anyone tell me what happened to my future self?! *meets future self and gets really creeped out*
L A T E R ...
Wolverine: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU WISH I COULD KILL YOU I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW, SLIM *he doesn't*
Teen Warren: I don't want to be here anyway so I'm gonna join the cool kids.
Teen Jean: *uber control freak mode* WARREN, GO TO YOUR ROOM.
Steford sisters: Bitch, you didn't just abuse your powers!
Emma Frost: Girl better learn that shit ain't gonna fly. Also, I've always hated her.
Storm: Stop fighting on the Krakoan lawn, dammit!
One epic telepathic battle after...
Magneto: I'm disappointed in you, young lady. Charles would've been too.
Warren: Yeah, fuck you, Jean. Byyyyeee, everyone!
L A T E R ...
Xorn Jean from the Future: *drops by unexpected* Yo, baby girl. I'm you. Shut the fuck up and let me take you home so time can be rewritten again from where I came from--
Charles Xavier II: --which is a bleak future and we have no other choice but to remedy the past or we suffer. By the way, did I fail to mention that we're not really the X-Men of the future. We're the Brotherhood. Oh, I didn't? Well, Scott killed my father and you all did nothing about it so for that alone, YOU ALL DESERVE TO SUFFER! Huzzah! *telepathically attacks them all*
Real X-Men from the Future: We came here to beat your asses, Brotherhood! We got mustached Colossus, adult Jubilee and her full-grown son, and Storm's daughter!
Storm: Daughter?
Brotherhood from the Future: Yeah, well, we have Xavier's son and Wolverine's love child with Mystique, Raze!
Raze: *morphs from adult Kitty and stabs Wolverine in the stomach* Hello, daddy.
Wolverine: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!
Deadpool: Also, Deadpool's here, you cunts!! And I'm an X-Man!
Wolverine: ....
Xorn Jean from the Future: Time for some existential breakdown plus some heavy-loaded psychic confrontation between you and I, self! First, lemme dispose of bitch-queen Emma and her skanks then I'm all yours. *three pages later* Okay, I'm back.
Teen Jean: You can't be me! I can't possibly have gotten that crazy in the future!
Xorn Jean from the Future: Have you met us, Jeanie? There's no other road for us but INSANITY and DESOLATION, my love! *proceeds to beat the shit out of teen Jean, justifying it's tough love*
Teen Scott and Present-Day Scott: NO, JEAN! Not the love of our life!
[Epic, personal battles of clusterfucky proportions ensued among everyone]
Brotherhood from the Future: WE CAN'T SEND THE ORIGINAL X-MEN BACK!! But fuck it, let's just kill everyone anyway!
*instead, the Brotherhood all die later...only not really [spoilers]*
Kitty: *had enough of this shit* Oh, for fuck's sake! We suck at everything now. And I feel betrayed and distrustful of my old friends. So, goodbye, I'm making an ironic statament and joining Scott because my bestie Illyana is there. Coming, teens?
Original X-Men: You bet your ass, Professor K!
L A T E R ...
Purifiers: WE'RE HERE TO CLEANSE THE HUMAN RACE FROM MUTIES IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD--
Teen Jean: Nope! *attacks them telepathically, laying them to waste*
L A T E R ...
Guardians of the Galaxy: 'sup, y'all! Please support our movie!
Teen Scott: This sucks. I'll run away with my daddy to space now and have a nice life for once! *he does*
L A T E R ...
Teen Jean: NIGHTMARES! Woe is me yet again!Present-day Scott: *pops out of nowhere at her door like a creeper* I'm here for you, Jeanie.
Teen Jean: Oh, thank you, thirty-something-year-old version of my crush, and whom I'm going to marry when I grow up. Here, let me hold your hand. I'm so alone and petrified and you're such a sweet, sweet man *doe-eyed stare*
Present-day Scott: Nope. This can't happen. I love you and you're beautiful and it always aches to be around you but I'm an adult and you're just a kid, and I can't give in! *walks out of her room, dignified*
Kitty: *mentally mock-clapping Scott from a corner* Very proud of you. But next time don't just come inside the room of a vulnerable sixteen-year-girl without adult supervision. And by adult supervision, I mean my phased fist inside your face!
L A T E R ...
Warren: Wait, fair lady, it is I--
X-23: LIKE I SAID, NOBODY CARES! *walks away and gets stabbed by Raze*
Raze: *as a shape-shifted, bleeding X-23; struggles inside the secret bunker to deceive the X-Men* Help me, my friends. We're under attack!
[Outside, the Brotherhood from the Future makes a comeback]
[Stay tuned for new developments for the next issue]
RECOMMENDED: 6/10
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