Monday, September 21, 2015

All-New X-Men by Brian Michael Bendis #30

We get yet another filler issue wonderfully rendered by guest artist Sara Pichelli whose illustrations were quirky and colorful enough to make me forget HOW INSANELY IRRITATED ANXM HAS MADE ME FEEL IN THE LAST FIVE ISSUES. 

It has gotten so bad that I've spent two days away from continuing on with this title when I easily could, and instead read random slash fanfiction because fictional homoeroticism always cheers me up, and I badly needed to recharge my batteries from the mediocre bullshit that was the story arc concerning Xavier II and his Brotherhood. It was probably my first poor rating for X-Men issue (not counting one or two from X-Men Forever months ago). The only comfort I could offer myself was, "Well, at least I'm not reading Ultimate X-Men".

And you know what? It didn't help reassuring myself that because it's unfair to compare Bendis' work with the clusterfuck canon-raping pinnacle of weird-ass shit storytelling that was Ultimate. However, in some ways, making such connections between these two fundamentally contrasting titles was necessary only because ANXM is beginning to cause me distress as much as Ultimate did years ago. It honestly made me stop reading X-Men. It made X-Men: The Last Stand look like a masterpiece. In fact, the only thing I liked about Ultimate is that Professor X and Magneto in that universe were obviously sexual partners at some point. 

There are clear evidences and implied meanings in dialogues that not only suggest this to the readers but bitch-slaps them with this fact. It is also where one of my favorite Cherik quotes "The first time I ever met an adult mutant was like being hit by lightning, far more powerful than being in love" was derived from so in that sense, Ultimate was okay.

So, in case you've been wondering about it, the answer is a HELL NO, I won't ever be reading or reviewing any story from Ultimate X-Men even the parts that clearly fanservices Cherik shippers like me and are begging to be analyzed (there was even that one scene where Xavier says blatantly that the Maximoff children inherited more than their father's handsome Eastern-European looks. It made me go, "God, Charlie, keep it to yourself; we get it, you used to fuck him, but filter your dirty observations, please"). ANXM at this point is making me see blotches of red in the pages due to a few blood vessels in my brain popping, and I won't subject myself to the same thing by attempting to enjoy Ultimate X-Men. Moving on...

This issue was nice. It didn't make me feel any strong emotions of both like and dislike. I was just fine with it. There were two scenes that focused on character moments; the one with Warren and Laura from the beginning where the two had their first date/night-out/club fight and then, I assume rightly, also their first sexual encounter. Look, they obviously fucked, right? I mean, we were shown the aftermath of the two of them in Warren's bed where she's not wearing pants, so we don't need to be delicate about this and just say outright that Angel and X-23 fucked, okay?. Teenagers fuck all the time, even in comics. To think that I was looking forward to her and Scott developing a relationship in the earlier issues but no, this casual quickie is better and healthier somewhat because relationships between mutants especially the romantic kind will never be idyllic; what with the anti-mutant hatemongers trying to kill them and whatever threat of extinction is occurring. 

Who has time for complicated romance? Warren and Laura have an honest conversation about such a thing.

Sexytimes, yeah

Honestly, I like the idea of Warren and Laura together. They even got to talk about it in a very mature way which was surprising for me because the way Bendis characterized Warren, he doesn't seem to have that much depth, so I was happy to hear him be blunt about his relations with Laura. And Laura was no shy flower either. They're quite a steamy pair together, I suppose. Just look at that cover, it's not misleading like the one in #20 with Scott smooching Laura. That never happened. Now Angel fucking X-23 while on air is very possible. I wouldn't put it pass Warren since it happened before with the mutant Husk--midair sexy times, that is. If I had wings and can carry someone in the sky, I would most definitely try having sex that way. Don't deny it, you hypocrite. You would do the same thing.

The other part of the equation is Jean Grey and Emma Frost..."bonding". And yes, it was terrifying.

Also sexytimes (?)

And Kitty Pryde is sort of dating Peter Quill as a hologram. Teen Bobby is not pleased. Charles Xavier has a last will and testament and they are all invited to the reading, including adult Scott Summers. This storyline will be featured in a issue of Uncanny X-Men, a title I will only start reading months from now so I probably won't find out what happens until then. Whatever.


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