Monday, September 21, 2015

All-New X-Men by Brian Michael Bendis #29

JESUS. FUCK. I've really started to care less about whatever is happening in this title since issue #26 started. I'm still hungover from the two major crossover events that were burdened by this title; respectively Battle of the Atom and The Trial of Jean Grey (the former was brilliant yet imperfect; the latter was bland and pointless). Reading the sixth volume of ANXM where these issues are placed is quite literally painful for me to peruse--and that's coming from someone who absolutely adored this series when it first started. Now that adoration is slowly turning into impatience. 

As I've pointed out before in my critical review of The Trial of Jean Grey story arc, Bendis is rehashing things that are by this point played out such Jean Grey being the centerpiece of events while the rest of the OCF have nothing of practical use to contribute (aside from Scott WHO JUST FREAKING LEFT to travel space. Now with this short piece concerning the Brotherhood from the future, Bendis thankfully wrapped it up nicely by revealing that the rest of this so-called Brotherhood (specifically Beast, Deadpool, re-animated Iceman, and Molly) were being controlled by none other than Charles Xavier II. 

Only his half=brother Raze (shapeshifting, claw-having love child of Mystique and Wolverine) was safe from this manipulation since he freely agreed to help 'baby Xavier' (how disgusting is this nickname for Charles' bastard son with Mystique?) by time-traveling REPEATEDLY to make multiple attempts to KILL JEAN GREY. Because that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? Every other X-Man is irrelevant, really. Just there for the extra space in the pages and whatnot/

Honestly, I never thought I'd say this but...AGAIN WITH JEAN GREY? Anyway, I've stated before that we need to focus on Bobby, Warren and Hank next time and just put Jean in a corner somewhere, preferably in a self-imposed comatose, if that's the only way we can have access to the other OCF members who should have their own character-centered issues by this point in this series. This is, after all, All-New X-Men and not All-New Jean Grey. It's bad enough teen Scott left and we will never find out the adventures he's having with his dad Corsair. Other than Jean, he gets some character time at least and I'm really going to miss him. He hasn't interacted meaningfully with his older self yet which defeated the purpose of putting him in the same timeline as radically changed adult Cyclops. I was expecting some great moments between these two dorks and I got nothing in the end.

Instead, we got that creepy moment with adult Cyke and teen Jean which was uncomfortably AND NO ONE ASKED FOR since it was almost crossed that line. Thankfully, adult Scott didn't let his lust get the better of him or he may have just ended up making out with a sixteen-year-old version of his dead wife. Thank god this isn't Ultimate X-Men or anything because we all know that shit would probably happen in Ultimate. I mean, in Ultimate, the Maximoff twins got their incest on as their bio-dad Wolverine watched in the it won't be a leap if that title got a thirty-something Scott hooking up with sixteen-year old Jean. So, basically, what I'm saying is FUCK ULTIMATE X-MEN.

No, wait. That's not my point. Jesus fuck, I'm too irritated to type a review logically at this point. All you need to know is that ''baby Xavier" is an asshole who wanted to avenge his father's death and...I don't know. I'm not really sure I understood his character motivation and twisted intentions. I cared little about his internal struggle because it was barely nuanced. All I really know about him is that he looks exactly like Charles Xavier, he's a powerful telepath too, he has daddy issues, he hates the X-Men and he wants to kill Jean Grey. That's as one-dimensional and cliché as you can get from a villain. Worst, I DON'T EVEN SEE MAGNETO AROUND to react to the fact that his late best friend had a son who looked exactly like him and is now in murder rampage. Goddamn you, Marvel and Bendis. Wasn't there a memo since Claremont days that specifically dictates that Professor X and Magneto and anything related to their relationship must have some page time allotted to their piles and piles of angst and unrequited "frriendship"? It's a crime not to sprinkle some Cherik when it's a necessary ingredient.

It just doesn't make sense why Magneto is not a part of this arc! He's the only member missing from Cyke's Dream Team. Where the hell is he? What X-title did you conveniently put him in while this attack on the secret bunker is happening? It would have been so interesting to see him react to the second-rated version of Xavier. The more I type out my opinion in this review regarding what I just read, the more annoyed I getting by now. Look, the issue wrapped up some glaring plotholes from Battle of the Atom by revealing that Xavier II was behind all this. Jean (OF COURSE IT HAD TO BE JEAN) managed to knock him out long enough for them to send him to S.H.I.E.L.D (but oh no, that wouldn't be the end of it yet because his version from the future will time travel again and again and again and again....). And then they sent back the rest of the future X-Men to their own timeline. are they able to do that AND NOT SEND BACK OCF to their own timeline as well? Why is the time-space continuum suddenly showing favoritism over which group of mutants get to go home and which ones can stay? IT DOESN'T MAKE FUCKING SENSE!!! How come they're not stuck in the present timeline like the OCF either? They time-traveled multiple times already and that should leave not just a tear but a gaping wound in the continuum--

--fuck this! I'm done trying to analyze crap. At least Doctor Who tries to come up with a creative explanation for their time paradoxes!

Lastly, WHAT A STUPID COVER. It was so useless and completely insubstantial to the content of this issue except for the fact that at the end of this story, we see that Warren used adult Cyke's bike to take Laura (X-23) out on a date because she refused to be carried around as they fly in the sky. Since teen Scott is gone, I guess Laura is now being paired with Angel. Makes sense. Now Hank and Jean can hook up in peace, and Bobby can continue on being a supplier for one-liner comedy, and nothing moves forward.

Originally, I was actually going to rate this with a pitiful and passable 6 out of 10 stars but after talking about, it's clear that it doesn't even deserve that because JESUS FUCK THIS ISSUE WAS SO STUPID AND A WASTE OF MY TIME.


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